Rebuilding Trust: Overcoming Emotional Affairs and Restoring Relationships
By Leona Kashersky, PsyD
©️6/12/23
Our world is changing along with the ways we experience and practice relationships. We are both more connected digitally and disconnected at the same time. As profiles become our persona, many become highly invested in their social media image, marketing themselves as a brand, and selling themselves as a product. As such, screens have changed the relationship panorama. The dynamics in relationships amidst today's digitally interconnected world are highlighted as the evolving landscape of modern dating and committed relationships.
In today's dating landscape, connection and relationships are often approached with a pragmatic mindset, giving rise to the concept of "situationships." These situationships represent a more casual and undefined stage of connection, where individuals seek to fulfill their romantic and intimate needs without necessarily committing to a long-term partnership. However, this casual approach to connection can intersect with the concept of emotional affairs, particularly in the context of committed partners. Emotional affairs refer to the formation of deep emotional connections with someone outside of an existing relationship, which can potentially undermine the commitment and trust between partners. The intersection between the pragmatic nature of situationships and the potential for emotional affairs underscores the complexities of modern relationships and highlights the need for open communication, boundaries, and mutual understanding in navigating these dynamics.
This article delves into the nature of emotional affairs and their potential consequences for established partnerships, shedding light on the importance of recognizing signs, contextual understanding, and effective communication to rebuild relationships post-affair. Additionally, it emphasizes the significance of adopting innovative strategies to tackle underlying challenges and seeking professional guidance if needed, recognizing the need to adapt to the evolving complexities of love and intimacy in our contemporary society.
As previously mentioned, modern dating has undergone a significant transformation, with a shift towards a more pragmatic approach to love and sex. Rather than prioritizing committed relationships, people are exploring alternative avenues to satisfy their desires for romance and intimacy. This has given rise to the concept of "situationships," which encapsulate the undefined stage between friendship and a relationship. Situationships provide a temporary solution for sexual, emotional, and companionship needs without a long-term commitment. This trend has gained substantial popularity, as evidenced by increased Google search traffic and global interest across various demographics. The emergence of situationships reflects how modern dating is redefining the meaning of love and sex in a way distinct to our current times. Therefore, commitment and long-term partnering in today’s relationship climate offers modern couples unique challenges.
Defining An Emotional Affair
An emotional affair is a type of relationship where two people share a deep emotional connection that is not necessarily romantic or sexual in nature, but is still considered to be inappropriate or harmful to an existing relationship. Emotional affairs often involve sharing intimate thoughts, feelings, and experiences with someone who is not your partner or spouse, and can often be kept secret from your significant other.
Unlike physical affairs, emotional affairs typically do not involve any physical intimacy, but they can still be just as damaging to a relationship. Emotional affairs can be just as addictive as physical affairs, and can cause just as much pain and heartache when they are discovered.
Emotional affairs often begin innocently enough, with two people simply connecting on a deeper level than they do with their partners. However, over time, the emotional connection can become stronger and more intense, leading to a deep sense of attachment and even love. This can cause significant emotional turmoil for everyone involved, including the person having the emotional affair, their partner, and the person with whom they are having the emotional affair.
It is important to recognize the signs of an emotional affair, which can include a growing sense of intimacy and secrecy with someone other than your partner, a desire to spend more time with that person, and a lack of emotional intimacy with your partner. If you suspect that you or your partner may be having an emotional affair, it is important to seek help and support to address the underlying concerns and to work towards healing and rebuilding your relationship.
Signs of an Emotional Affair:
Recognizing the signs of an emotional affair is crucial in identifying potential needs within a relationship. Below are several indicators that may suggest the presence of an emotional affair:
Avoiding Physical Intimacy, Decreasing Time with Your Spouse, and Irritability: A sudden decrease in physical intimacy, lack of motivation to spend quality time with your spouse, and increased irritability can be signs of emotional disconnection resulting from an emotional affair. The emotional involvement with someone else may lead to a lack of interest in physical and emotional intimacy with your partner.
Comparing Your Relationship to Others and Keeping Your Friendship a Secret: Constantly comparing your relationship to others and feeling defensive when your partner questions your interactions with a specific individual could be indicative of emotional cheating. Keeping the friendship hidden or secretive may be a sign of a deeper emotional connection that goes beyond a typical friendship.
Sharing Intimate Details and Spending More Time Together: Sharing intimate thoughts, feelings, and experiences with someone outside of your relationship while reducing emotional sharing with your partner can be a sign of an emotional affair. The desire to spend increasing amounts of time with the other person, seeking their emotional support and companionship, can indicate a shift in emotional attachment.
Flirting and Preoccupation/Daydreams About Your Friend: Engaging in flirtatious behaviors or constantly thinking about and daydreaming about the other person can be strong indicators of an emotional affair. The intense focus and preoccupation with this individual may signal a growing emotional connection that surpasses normal boundaries.
Having a "Phone Affair": If you find yourself constantly engaging in private, intimate conversations with the other person through phone calls, messaging, or social media, it could suggest an emotional affair. Excessive communication and sharing of personal details, outside the knowledge of your partner, can undermine the trust and intimacy within your relationship.
Gifts and Increased Emotional Intimacy: The exchange of gifts between you and the other person, especially if they hold sentimental value or personal meaning, can be a sign of an emotional affair. These gifts may symbolize the depth of emotional connection and the investment made in the relationship outside of your partnership.
It is important to note that while these signs may indicate the presence of an emotional affair, they should be considered in the context of your specific relationship dynamics. Open and honest communication with your partner, along with seeking professional guidance if needed, can help address these concerns and work towards healing and rebuilding trust.
Getting Your Relationship Back on Track After an Emotional Affair: Three Tips
Tip 1: Recognize the Context of the Affair in the Relationship.
One of the essential steps to getting your relationship back on track after an emotional affair is to be willing to look at the affair in the context of your relationship. Emotional affairs usually occur when one partner feels that their emotional needs are not being met in the primary relationship. It is essential to honestly consider what was happening in your relationship before the affair began.
Take some time to think about what may have contributed to the emotional affair. Were there any major life changes or stressors that impacted your relationship, such as job loss, starting a business, the birth of a child, or a move to a new city? Did you and your partner experience a shift in your level of emotional intimacy? Being willing to acknowledge these factors can help you and your partner understand what led to the emotional affair and begin to address the underlying issues in your relationship.
Tip 2: Communicating Your Needs Without Judgment
Getting a relationship back on track after an emotional affair is to communicate your feelings and needs to your partner without judgment or blame. Using the nonviolent communication model, couples can learn to identify and express their feelings and needs to each other, then make a request of their partner that can be answered yes or no. The model involves making an observation about what was said or done, naming the feeling experienced, identifying the common human need that wasn't met, and making a request. By using this model, couples can express their emotions in a non-defensive way and arrive at some solutions.
The nonviolent communication model involves four steps that are simple to follow:
Observation: Start by making an observation about what the other person said or did. Imagine yourself as a video camera that records the action without judgment or blame. Begin your statement with “When you do or say…”
Feelings: Identify the feeling you experienced as a result of the observation. For example, “When you say I don’t care about you, I feel hurt and misunderstood.”
Needs: Reflect on the common human need that wasn't met. This could be anything from acceptance and love to understanding, collaboration, harmony, happiness, or peace. Your statement could now look like, “When you say I don’t care about you, I feel hurt because I have a need for respect and understanding.”
Request: End by making a request of the other person. Use the phrase “Would you be willing to…” to ask for what you need. This request should be something that can be answered with a yes or no. For instance, “Would you be willing to talk with me more about this without blaming me so I can better understand what you mean?”
Tip 3: Embrace Fresh Approaches to Address the Root Cause
In the case of Ignacio and Patricia, the root problem stemmed from Ignacio’s feelings of exclusion and hurt following the birth of their son. Rather than expressing these emotions to Patricia, Ignacio chose to suppress them out of fear of becoming more vulnerable. It was crucial for them to first identify the underlying concern and then establish open lines of communication to share their feelings and needs.
I have observed that when individuals take responsibility for their own emotions and communicate them directly to their partners, it allows for a non-defensive environment where judgment is set aside. This approach opened the door for Patricia and Ignacio to strategize and explore effective solutions. For example, Ignacio could have approached Patricia by expressing, "When I come home from work and share about my day, and you don't listen, I feel hurt and dismissed because I have a need to be heard. Would you be willing to let me know when a good time for us to talk would be, especially if you're occupied with the baby?"
By sharing his perspective, Ignacio communicated the importance of discussing his day with Patricia, and Patricia, in turn, may have been more understanding and willing to find an alternative time. When Ignacio chose to suppress his feelings instead of expressing them, Patricia had no way of knowing that a problem existed, thus preventing any possibility of reaching a solution.
It is worth noting that a relationship can survive an emotional affair if both partners are committed to working through it. If you find it challenging to navigate this process on your own, seeking professional help such as couples therapy. This support can often provide the necessary guidance and kick-start your healing journey.
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