The Power of Confession and Forgiveness
By Leona Kashersky, PsyD
©️6/19/23
Prepare to be enlightened by the pearls of wisdom from a globally acclaimed psychologist as they unravel the intricate tapestry of forgiveness. Brace yourself for a journey into the depths of the human psyche as we delve into the profound insights of this renowned expert on the art of repair and letting go.
“The pathway to forgiveness is to have the person who’s wronged you confess. And to confess is to give a detailed and compelling, accurate, differentiated, causal account of the betrayal.
Here’s exactly what happened.
Here’s the multiple instances.
Here’s my entire set of motivations.
This is why I was so angry with you that I thought this betrayal was acceptable.
Here’s why I was so impulsive and shallow that I believed the betraying you was justifiable.
That has to go all the way to the depths, to a depth just as deep as the betrayal itself.
And maybe once that confession has been made manifest, and a plan has been put forward that is indicative of the willingness and ability to change, that a reconfigured relationship can be newly established and move forward on that basis.”
Jordan Peterson, Ph.D.
An Examination:
In the realm of personal relationships, betrayal is an incredibly painful and disruptive experience. It shatters trust, leaving emotional scars that can persist for years, if not properly addressed. However, renowned psychologist and author Jordan Peterson, Ph.D., suggests that forgiveness and the possibility of rebuilding a relationship can be found through a specific process: confession. According to this approach, true forgiveness and repair requires the trespasser to provide a detailed, compelling, and accurate account of their actions, motivations, and understanding of the depth of their betrayal. Let's now delve into this concept and explore its implications for personal growth, healing, and the potential for reconciliation.
At the core of this philosophy lies the conviction that confession plays a pivotal role in achieving true redemption and forgiveness. Embracing confession entails undertaking a comprehensive introspection of the betrayal, encompassing all the instances and the complete range of motivations that contributed to the hurtful actions. It demands a profound examination of one's own shadow, acknowledging a fear-based or self-centered orientation, as well as confronting the disconnection from the pain inflicted on others for self-gratification, all with utmost honesty.
By providing a detailed account of the betrayal, the transgressor acknowledges the severity of their actions and demonstrates a level of accountability that is crucial for moving forward. Through this process, the person responsible recognizes the pain and anger they caused and conveys an understanding of the hurt person's perspective. Moreover, providing an accurate and detailed account of the betrayal assists the person who has been wronged in gaining a clearer understanding of what transpired, validating their experiences, and achieving a sense of closure.
It’s import to explore the depths of the betrayal. It requires the person who violated agreements to delve into their own psyche and confront their darkest motivations. By understanding the reasons behind their actions, they can begin to address the deep-seated issues that contributed to their betrayal. This introspection is crucial for personal growth, as it allows the one to confront their own shadow and work towards enhanced character development. It allows one to grow a sense of self that is in authenticity and alignment with the agreements their highest self wishes to make with those most important to them in their life.
However, confession alone is not enough. it must be accompanied by a genuine willingness and ability to change. The transgressor must develop a concrete plan of action that demonstrates their commitment to self-improvement and their determination to avoid repeating the same mistakes. This plan should outline tangible steps and strategies to address the underlying issues that led to the betrayal.
Upon completion of a detailed confession and the development of a plan to change, a reconfigured relationship can potentially be established. This new relationship is built upon a foundation of openness, honesty, and a shared understanding of the betrayal and the subsequent growth process. It requires both parties to commit to ongoing communication, trust-building, and a mutual investment in personal and relational development.
It is important to note that this perspective on forgiveness and confession does not imply that forgiveness should be granted automatically or immediately. Forgiveness is a deeply personal and complex process that differs for each individual and situation. The wronged person may need time and space to heal, process their emotions, and determine whether they are willing and able to embark on the journey of forgiveness.
However, for those who are open to the possibility of cultivating forgiveness and holding themselves accountable for the purpose of developing deep authenticity and trust, this approach offers a framework for the person who violated trust to take responsibility, understand the impact of their actions, and actively work towards redemption. It also provides a roadmap for the harmed to find closure, gain insight into the motivations behind the betrayal, and evaluate the sincerity of the transgressor's desire for change.
Moreover, the process of confession and forgiveness proposed extends beyond individual relationships. It has broader societal implications, as it encourages a culture of personal accountability and growth. By fostering an environment where individuals can honestly confront their own shadow, take responsibility for their actions, and work towards improvement, we create the potential for healthier and more compassionate communities.
In conclusion, there may be a pathway to forgiveness through confession and a commitment to change. Although this is not simple, it allows for deep transformational healing for all concerned. This begs the question, what if you don’t receive a confession and a commitment to change? Can one still experience meaningful letting go and forgiveness in relationship? I’d like to explore this as a separate article with a brief caveat here. I think you can experience deeply healing and authentic forgiveness without the transgressor doing their part to confess, to be accountable, and commit to change. You just can’t have a healthy and healing relationship in close connection with that person. You can’t grow together. Likely, the harmed person needs to separate and seek safety from continued abuse to truly forgive and heal. To put it bluntly, if one isn’t willing to engage in this level of relating in connection, they are likely not in a compassionate and loving connection and healing in relationship cannot really occur without this.
Hunyady, O., Josephs, L., & Jost, J. T. (2008). Priming the primal scene: Betrayal trauma, narcissism, and attitudes toward sexual infidelity. Self and Identity, 278-294.
Peterson, J.B. (1999). Maps of Meaning: The Architecture of Belief (1st ed.). Routledge. https://doi.org/10.4324/9780203902851