Unveiling the Distinction: Forgiving vs. Reconciling - Empowering Yourself Through Forgiveness

By Leona Kashersky, PsyD

©️6/26/23

Forgiveness is a concept that can evoke mixed emotions and varying responses from individuals. Some argue that forgiving those who have hurt us is dangerous and leaves us vulnerable to further harm. They believe that forgiveness should only come after the transgressor acknowledges their actions, feels sorrow, apologizes, and makes amends. However, this perspective often confuses forgiveness with reconciliation. In this article, we will explore the true nature of forgiveness and shed light on the distinction between forgiving and reconciling.

Finding forgiveness can be a challenging journey, especially when the people we love fail to take accountability or make a genuine commitment to change. In such situations, it becomes necessary to tap into our inner lion and establish the boundaries we need for our own healing. Instead of waiting for others who may never be willing or capable of embracing their highest selves, we can take ownership of our healing process, independent of external circumstances.

Embracing our inner lion means summoning the strength and courage within ourselves to set boundaries that protect our emotional well-being. It requires acknowledging that we cannot control the actions or choices of others, but we have the power to control our own responses and actions. By doing so, we prioritize our healing and growth, even when those we love may not understand or support our decisions.

Taking ownership of our healing journey allows us to break free from the cycle of waiting for external validation or change. We recognize that true transformation comes from within, and we no longer rely on others to dictate our emotional state or growth. Instead, we focus on cultivating self-love, resilience, and personal growth, regardless of whether others choose to join us on that path.

It's important to remember that forgiveness does not mean condoning or accepting harmful behavior. It means releasing the burden of resentment and anger, freeing ourselves from the emotional weight that holds us back. Forgiveness is a gift we give ourselves, an act of self-compassion and liberation.

By embracing our inner lion and establishing the boundaries necessary for our healing, we reclaim our power and create a space for personal transformation. We let go of the expectation that others must change for us to find peace. In doing so, we open ourselves up to the possibility of embracing our highest selves and living authentically, regardless of the choices made by those around us.

Understanding Forgiveness and Reconciliation

Forgiveness, at its core, an ethical virtue that involves the offended person's gradual process of letting go of toxic anger or resentment and offering some form of goodness to the offending person. It is an inner journey that aims to free ourselves from the burden of negativity and foster personal growth. On the other hand, reconciliation is a negotiation strategy that involves two or more parties coming together again in mutual trust. It is not an ethical virtue in itself but a potential outcome of forgiveness.

Inner and Outward Manifestation of Virtues

All ethical virtues have an inner quality of goodness and can manifest outwardly. For example, the virtue of justice involves the inner quality of fairness and the outward manifestation of being fair in one's actions. Similarly, forgiveness starts with the inner qualities of a motivation to let go of resentment and the intention to be good, within reason, to the offending person. It does not necessarily require the transgressor’s acknowledgment, apology, or amends. Instead, forgiveness focuses on the forgiver's personal growth and healing.

Differentiating Forgiveness and Reconciliation

In forgiveness, even if the offending person shows no remorse or willingness to apologize or make amends, we can still exercise the inner qualities of forgiveness by choosing not to harbor resentment and by intending to be good to them regardless of their capacity to substantially change. However, reconciliation, which involves rebuilding trust and reestablishing a relationship, may not be possible if the offending person shows no signs of remorse or change.

The Psychological Benefits of Forgiveness

Research indicates that practicing forgiveness can lead to emotional and psychological benefits. By engaging in the process of forgiveness, individuals can reduce overwhelming anger, anxiety, and depression, while improving self-esteem and hope. Failing to reduce the excessive activation of our nervous system can result in chronic health problems that create a slow burn of toxic energy, eroding our mental and physical health. By committing to improving our self-esteem and hope, we enhance our mental and physical resilience. This improves the quality of our lives by elevating our ability to enjoy healthy and fulfilling relationships and maintain a balanced nervous system. One's commitment to optimism is not only linked to a greater sense of well-being but also increased interpersonal, social, and career success. By equating forgiveness with reconciliation and setting strict conditions for forgiveness, individuals may inadvertently deprive themselves of these potential benefits and hinder their psychological well-being.

The Unconditional Offer of Forgiveness

One crucial aspect of forgiveness that we have learned here is that it can be an unconditional offering, not dependent on the other person's response or apology. We have the power to forgive, irrespective of whether the other person acknowledges their wrongdoing. This allows us to free ourselves from the burden of anger and resentment, paving the way for personal growth and healthier relationships with others. We now understand that healthy relationships have a quality of calm, peaceful energy that allows for respect and trust to grow. These attributes not only have inner wellness benefits but also social and material benefits too. From this perspective, doing the work of forgiveness is worth all the effort to enhance our quality of life.

Understanding the true nature of forgiveness and differentiating it from reconciliation is essential for our own advancement and healing. By embracing forgiveness as not only an ethical virtue, but a self-care practice, we can experience emotional healing and reduce negativity in our lives. While reconciliation may not always be possible or advisable, forgiveness allows us to let go of the past and embrace a healthier future. Let us embrace the transformative power of forgiveness and liberate ourselves from the chains of resentment.

Enright, R.D. & Fitzgibbons, R.P. (2015). Forgiveness therapy. Washington, DC: American Psychological Association.