Is Your Finger Over the Eject Button of Your Relationship?
By Leona Kashersky, PsyD
©️5/29/23
To be extremely simplistic, there are two research based signs that betrayal is near in a relationship and both have to do with a type of avoidance.
Conflict avoidance: failure to initiate a conversation about your needs.
Disclosure avoidance: you’re not honest about how you feel.
Why is an avoidant approach so damaging to relationships? On the other side of a successful conflict repair or sharing your authentic self is a sense of commitment demonstrating you’re here to make the relationship better. Failure to do so means your finger could be over the eject button.
How can we understand some of the underpinnings of avoidance in relationships? To avoid oversimplifying humanity and ourselves, let’s explore attachment styles and personality to better understand avoidance behaviors in human connection. Let’s put our avoidance tendencies to a healthier use in our connections and dig deeper into our healing work.
Predicting Infidelity: Protective Factors, Warning Signs, and Personality Traits
An overview of the research:
Infidelity is a soul crushing rupture in relationships that can cause emotional pain and distress for all concerned. As such, it can feel reassuring to review some factors that can predict infidelity. First, we will explore protective factors that can prevent infidelity, such as moral standards, fear of being alone, and concern for the effects of infidelity on children and other people, including the extramarital sex partner. Those with high moral standards, a strong sense of responsibility, and concern for others' feelings are less likely to cheat.
On the other hand, several warning signs can predict infidelity. Low relationship commitment, declining sexual and relationship satisfaction, and permissive attitudes towards infidelity are some of these warning signs. Moreover, certain personality traits, including avoidant attachment style, extroversion, neuroticism, and lower agreeableness, are associated with a higher risk of infidelity. Being in a social context where infidelity is more accepted can also increase the likelihood of cheating.
Understanding attachment styles has been becoming recognized in popular culture recently as something important to attend to when learning how to have healthy relationships. In the literature review for this article, avoidant attachment was demonstrated to influence propensity to cheat. However, let’s also explore how a disorganized attachment style must also be examined here to understand how both styles can overlap when it comes to infidelity productive outcomes.
First, understanding the research on avoidant attachment. This is a common style of attachment that affects how we form and maintain relationships. Those with this attachment style tend to avoid emotional intimacy and are often dismissive of a partner's needs for closeness and affection. In this style, we may prioritize independence and self-sufficiency, often feeling uncomfortable or overwhelmed with too much emotional connection. When we are avoidantly attached we tend to keep feelings to ourselves and may not be expressive about our needs or feelings.
In terms of infidelity, an avoidant attachment style can increase the propensity to cheat. When avoidantly attached we may struggle with expressing needs and feelings to our partner, leading to feelings of emotional disconnection and dissatisfaction in the relationship. We may turn to external sources of validation and excitement, such as an affair, to fill the emotional void we feel in relationships. Moreover, we may be more likely to dismiss the emotional impact of infidelity on our partner or justify it as a form of personal satisfaction.
Understanding our attachment style and how it influences relationship dynamics and decision-making can be a crucial step in healing insecure attachment and in preventing infidelity and maintaining healthy relationships. Recognizing avoidant attachment patterns and addressing them with a therapist or trusted partner can help develop more secure and satisfying relationships.
Understanding Avoidant and Disorganized Attachment Styles
While people with an avoidant attachment style may struggle with emotional intimacy and fear of abandonment, those with a disorganized attachment style experience a much more complicated set of emotions and behaviors. Disorganized attachment develops when the caregiver, who is meant to be a source of safety, becomes a source of fear. This attachment style is often seen in individuals who have experienced physical, verbal, or sexual abuse during their childhood.
In relationships, living with a disorganized attachment style we want to love and be loved, but are also afraid to let anyone in. We fear that our partners will hurt us, just like their caregivers did in childhood. Similar to an avoidant attachment style, disorganized adults fear intimacy and avoid proximity. However, the main difference for disorganized adults is relationships are desired, but attachment figures are viewed (once the caregiver and now the partner) as unpredictable.
Disorganized adults expect rejection, disappointment, and hurt to come from a partner, leading to self-sabotage or self-fulfilling prophecies that ultimately end the relationship. In contrast, avoidant individuals may choose to end relationships preemptively to avoid the possibility of rejection or disappointment. Disorganized adults also tend to have negative views of both self and others and are at a higher risk of developing mental health issues, such as substance abuse, delinquent/aggressive behavior, and abuse of others. Overall, while both attachment styles can lead to challenges in relationships, disorganized attachment is a more complex and challenging attachment style to navigate.
Avoidance Behavior that Predicts Infidelity
Returning to understanding avoidance behavior to reflect on the purpose for it in our life. Why do we keep using this defense strategy?
Avoidance behaviors can signal infidelity, these behaviors can be fueled by our attachment style. Understanding the origins of behavior can help us to address them more intentionally. Here we examine two avoidance factors to be cautious of. 1. Conflict avoidance and 2. disclosure avoidance are two avoidance behaviors that can lead to a higher likelihood of infidelity. These behaviors represent an emotion-focused coping mechanism directed at minimizing negative emotional responses to a problem, such as anxiety and irritation. Avoidance is an attempt to regulate negative emotional responses and seek escape from an unpleasant situation, which can lead to infidelity.
The dynamic of avoidance is a common feature of infidelity, when involved in extradyadic relationships we often engage in secrecy and concealment to hide our behaviors from a committed partner. This secrecy is a hallmark of infidelity, as it allows us to engage in behaviors outside of the committed relationship without our partner's knowledge or consent. The avoidance dynamic in infidelity often creates a sense of mistrust and betrayal in the committed partner, who may feel hurt and deceived by these actions. In many cases, the avoidance dynamic can lead to the breakdown of the committed relationship, as the level of trust required to maintain a healthy relationship is compromised by the secrecy and deceit involved in infidelity.
Personality Traits
The Big 5 personality traits and facets are also predictors of infidelity. Individuals who score high in extraversion and openness to experience may be more likely to cheat due to their desire for excitement and novelty. In contrast, people who score high in conscientiousness and agreeableness tend to be more loyal and trustworthy in relationships. Finally, high levels of neuroticism can increase the likelihood of infidelity due to a lack of emotional stability and self-esteem issues.
To better understand the nuances of personality traits, let’s take a moment to break down The Big 5, also known as the Five-Factor Model. This model is a widely accepted and researched personality model that describes human personality based on five broad dimensions. These dimensions are Openness to Experience, Conscientiousness, Extraversion, Agreeableness, and Neuroticism.
Openness to Experience refers to an individual's receptiveness to new ideas, emotions, and experiences. It comprises five facets: Aesthetic, Ideas, Action, Values, and Imagination. People who score high in this trait tend to be imaginative, curious, and willing to take risks.
Conscientiousness describes an individual's level of organization, responsibility, and self-discipline. The facets of Conscientiousness are Effort, Order, Duty, Prudence, and Self-Discipline. People who score high in Conscientiousness are often reliable, hardworking, and diligent.
Extraversion is the degree to which an individual seeks and enjoys social interaction and stimulation. The facets of Extraversion are Ascendance, Liveliness, Positive Affect, Gregariousness, and Excitement Seeking. People who score high in this trait are often outgoing, assertive, and energetic.
Agreeableness reflects an individual's level of compassion, empathy, and cooperation. The five facets of Agreeableness are Straightforwardness, Compliance, Prosocial, Modesty, and Tendermindeness. People who score high in this trait are usually trusting, empathetic, and accommodating.
Finally, Neuroticism is a measure of an individual's emotional stability and ability to handle stress. The facets of Neuroticism are Affective Instability, Depression, Self-Consciousness, and Anxiety. People who score high in this trait tend to be more prone to negative emotions, such as anxiety and depression, and are often more sensitive to stress. These individuals are often more prone to negative emotions such as anxiety and depression, which may lead them to seek emotional validation outside of their relationship.
By understanding these personality traits and how they relate to infidelity, we as individuals and couples can gain insight into the potential risk factors for deception and take steps to engage in a relationship consciously. For example, a partner who scores high in openness to experience and extraversion may benefit from engaging in novel and exciting activities with their partner to fulfill their need for excitement and novelty within the relationship.
Being unfaithful in a relationship can result in a distressing rupture that causes emotional pain for all concerned. Research has found several protective factors, warning signs, and personality traits that can predict infidelity. Those with high moral standards, a strong sense of responsibility, and concern for others' feelings are less likely to cheat. In contrast, low relationship commitment, declining sexual satisfaction, and permissive attitudes towards infidelity can predict infidelity. Personality traits such as avoidant attachment, extroversion, neuroticism, and lower agreeableness are also associated with a higher risk of infidelity. Furthermore, certain avoidance behaviors, such as conflict and disclosure avoidance, can lead to a higher likelihood of infidelity. Understanding one's attachment style, whether it be avoidant or disorganized, can be crucial in preventing infidelity and maintaining healthy relationships. It is important to recognize these risk factors and work towards developing secure and satisfying relationships. As couples we can be aware of these influences and work together to build and maintain a healthy and strong relationship. Communication and openness are essential in preventing infidelity and building a lasting and fulfilling relationship.
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